27 April 2010

Terrible Shit I Bought: The Black Crowes

There are things I have done that I am not too proud of. Some of them are crimes against humanity and some of them are crimes against music. Sometime in 1990, I was going on a road trip with my aunt, her boyfriend, and his kids. The trip involved the fairgrounds and a hotel with a pool. While I was packing for this impromptu voyage, I made a fatal mistake: I left my stack of tapes on my dresser! So I had a walkman, batteries, and no friggin' music. We made a pitstop at K-Mart before we headed out so I got my money together and all I had was a about $11 for the whole weekend. This was not good. Then I made a horrible mistake: I purchased The Black Crowes Shake Your Money Maker. I thought that "BABY I'M TOO HARD TO HANDLE NOW YES AROUND" (that's what I thought he was saying) song was good so I fucking bought it.

I have a vague memory of a Run DMC cassette that was very tempting but OHHH NOOO, I fucking passed on that for The Black Fucking Crowes! This is why I hate myself. This is why I am a worthless piece of shit. So for the entire weekend, I had ONE TAPE. ONE! TAPE! So for the car ride to our destination, the boring night at the hotel, and the endless ride home, I had nothing but these dirtball hippie scumbag shitheads singing stupid crap to my brain. I could have been memorizing Run DMC's raps all weekend. That's a skill that would have come in very handy later in life, let me tell ya. I could have maybe been like at least a little cool for a few seconds in my useless, miserable life. Okay, I'm done.


19 April 2010

FINN: Prologue

(The following was written after a sleepless week and heavy NyQuil inducement...just like this sentence was. And it's the third attempt.)

28 July, 2010, one of the main players in one of my all-time favorite bands will be playing a concert locally. Of course I am talking about Neil Finn of Crowded House, and the band I'm referring to is Split Enz. I've never seen Crowded House live despite being a huge fan since I was 15 and having at least two prior opportunities. Nor have I ever seen any member of the Finn family or musical incarnation live, apart from owning several live DVDs, VHS tapes, and audio recordings, but that really doesn't count. I'm not much of a concert goer, actually, which some find odd for an active musician. (I passed up an opportunity this past Friday to see another musical god, Colin Hay.) I debated about getting tickets to the Crowded House show and passed up 4th and 7th row seats in lieu of 12th row. Don't ask.

But I'm straying from my point, which is Split Enz and the Finns. I had intended to use as little wordage as possible to express my love for them, but that ship has sailed. Granted, Neil wasn't a founding member of my beloved Enz, but his brother Tim was and after joining the band Tim and Neil were able to take the ring to Mordor and fight Xena for the Kiwi football wool sweater bungee. Throw another pimp on the barbie, mate. Fuck it, just listen to the twin Finn awesomeness in some of my favorite situations.

There can be only one.

Or two, since they are brothers.


17 April 2010

Terribe Shit I Bought: Lenny Kravitz

In 1993, I was a 16 year old fucking idiot who watched MTV all day, every day. I didn't go to school or work. Nor did I eat or sleep or poop. I simply waited for music videos to excite me and then I would run out and buy a CD. One horrible day, I saw this incredible video by a 'new' artist (well, I'd never heard of the fucking guy) named Lenny Kravitz. The song was called "Are You Gonna Go My Way" and it was the first single from the album of the same name. The song and the video rocked my socks off. It was 100% adrenaline delivered with a vibe of utter coolness. (Keep in mind it was the 90s and everything (even AIDS) was possible.)

So I bought the cassette. Yeah, at least I was a little cost conscious. On the way home in the car, I realized my mistake. "Are You Gonna Go My Way" is the only decent song on that terrible, terrible album. I thought Kravitz was emulating the 1970s. I didn't know he was a hippie! I decided to give the album another chance but it was pointless. Lenny Kravitz is a jerk and his music is terrible. Don't let anyone tell you differently.


13 April 2010

The X-ecutioners

These dudes came up in conversation this morning.